My Nightmares

Ever since I was a child, I have had nightmares, not night terror, but nightmares. My nightmares scared me so much, I started sleeping with a bible like one sleeps with a teddy bear. I guess it gave me a sense of security, but I did continue to have them regardless. 

Of course, I can't recall many of my nightmares I had when I was younger, but a couple did stick with me. Many of my nightmares had a reoccurring theme. I would be walking up some stairs that had a door at the end. The closer I got to the door, the more frightened I became. I never opened the door because I was afraid of what was behind it. Plus, I would usually wake up from the dream in complete panic and terrified. 

This next nightmare from when I was a teenager always stuck with me. I don't know why. I see it as if I had it just the other day. Anyway, I am standing in my bedroom and I see and old lady standing by the doorway holding a tray of tea light candles floating in water. Every candle was lit. I asked her what she was doing and what was the tray of candles for. She told me she was waiting for me and handed me the tray of candles. She told me the candles would let me know if something evil was near by when they all blew out at the same time. Sure enough, shortly after being given the tray, a light breeze came from behind me and the candles blew out. The old lady told me to run, run as fast as I can. I ran out of my bedroom into the family room. I could feel something evil was chasing me. I ran towards the stairs to go upstairs. As I leaped for the stair, I felt something grab my foot and began pulling me down. I fought and fought to only wake up in panic and fear yet again.

Thankfully, as an adult, nightmares have decreased by more than half. I could go months by without having a nightmare. Sadly, when I do have nightmares, they come in waves. Meaning, I will have one or two a week for several weeks and then nothing again. I don't know if it is stress that causes these flares up or what. Much of what you dream about is associated with what you had watched, done, saw, etc throughout your day. I can honestly say that the nightmare that woke me up last night had nothing to do with anything the day before.

Before this current nightmare I had, I do recall a dream that set the stage of fear in me for the nightmare to come into play. It's really a dream within a dream. If you know what I mean. My dreams are vivid. It plays in my head as if it were a movie. But like a dream, it's glitchy. I can go from one place to another without thinking of how I got there.

I was in a city alley back behind a church. I had keys to it. They were given to me by the pastor for some odd reason. I wasn't suppose to have them but I did. I am now inside, I am watching the pastor talk about wedding details to the brides family. The brides father is upset about not being able to have a room in the church for the bride's grandparents to sleep in. The pastor says, he just can't do that. They wouldn't last a night. After he said that he leaned forward towards me and he said, "I should know, it happened to me." (Insert fear of the unknown.) Next, I find myself in a 3 story triplex by the church. I am fumbling with keys trying to lock the door. I am walking down the flight of stairs and I see 2 ladies, a mother and a daughter. I can feel them wondering what I am doing in the building, but they see I have keys and able to lock and unlock doors. I am down in the triplex foyer now. I open the door, I feel like something isn't right, someone is watching me. Once again, I am fumbling with they keys to try to lock the front door. They keys bend and I can't get them to lock the door. I am walking towards the church again, I see piles of bodies wrapped in white body bags. I hear a lady saying you are not suppose to be here, but she sees that I have keys to the church. I hear her say to someone, "She is just a child, how does she have keys?" Again, the feeling of someone watching me, fear begins to set in. Then, income nightmare...

Lying in bed, starting to drift off, I get this eerie feeling that something is watching me from the foot of the bed. I try to ignore it by covering my head up with the blanket. Knowing that that wasn't working, somehow or another, I find myself clutching the bible. The same exact bible I use to fall asleep with when I was younger. I clutched it with all my might and began praying to God to keep me safe from whatever is lurking in the shadows. With my head still underneath the covers, I realize my younger sister is in the bed with me. I try to wake her up by shoving her and whispering her name. When that didn't work, I began pinching her and calling out her name. Finally, I was able to slightly awaken her. I told her to turn on her light on the nightstand. I felt her sit up, but her light never came on. With the overwhelming of fear still lurking in the shadows at the foot of my bed, I took a deep breath, removed my head from underneath the covers and sat up in bed to turn on my lamp on my nightstand. As I reached for the lamp, I felt arms wrapping around me. I thought at first it was my sister, but I knew she was no longer beside me and was definitely not her arms around me. Trying to fight through the fear, I continued trying to turn the lamp on. It wouldn't. Before this fear could completely engulf me, I wake up and actually turn on my nightstand lamp. Still shaken with fear, I grabbed my laptop and decided to write it all down. So here we are now.

I hate nightmares. I hate the feeling of fear I have after waking up from them. I recall one time I had a nightmare, I couldn't wake up no matter what I did. By the time I was able to wake myself up from the nightmare, I was in tears. That was within the past year. Is this common? To have nightmares like this as an adult? If anyone decides to read this, please let me know in the comments below about your nightmares and how often they happen to you.

Late Night Thoughts and Ideas

Have you ever laid down in bed, pulled the covers up to your chin, got your pillow adjusted just right, you get ready to close your eyes, and suddenly your head gets bum rushed by a bajillion thoughts and ideas or maybe just events of the the past day? Well, I just so happened to not experience that tonight, but I have previously and totally hate it.

So, here I am cruising the web searching for scrubs to buy because that's what people mainly wear in my profession. I am kinda sick and tired of the ones I currently have and washing scrubs every so often in a week gets old and I want to be lazy in the middle of my work week. It's really been awhile since I really shopped for scrubs. I mean yeah, I went to the local Wal-Mart and picked up scrubs for work because I needed them ASAP and that was the only place I knew that sold scrubs at that time and for a decent price.

I promise you, I am getting to my idea...

Anyway, I am looking at how the style of scrubs have severely changed over the years. They are no longer the boxy, unattractive stiff pieces of fabric. They have really evolved with the times and are pretty cute and stylish. As you can tell, I am thoroughly impressed. This is what starts my gears turning. By the time I was done purchasing my scrub sets, I had a well thought out idea. I probably have a full season line up of scrubs in my head. Currently just female line up, but I am sure I could come up with a stylish male one too. I so want to flip the light on and start scribbling down outfits. I am afraid I am going to forget this idea. It's kinda the reason I semi blogged the idea, hoping that the ideas would stay with me.

Ok, so, I have the idea, how do I go about executing it? I can't sew. I seriously suck at it. Do I go find someone that can follow a drawing, make it into a pattern and go from there? Also, how do I go about selling my idea? My target group really isn't around where I live. I am sure I would have a few customers, but living in a farming community that is absolutely ghetto probably wouldn't give a damn.

Ugh, I am too tired right now to continue thinking. Maybe when I get up in the morning, I can ponder more on this. I could also drop some doodles down to and show you all what I am talking about.

'Til then...

Night all!

Makeup My World

As long as I can remember, makeup was never really part of my world. Yeah sure, I experimented with it as a teenager, but I always thought of it as a hassle; therefore, never made time for it. As I got a little older, I would buy makeup here and there. Maybe a some lip gloss here, some face powder there. Nothing really that could make a whole face up. It was pointless anyway. I had no clue how to apply makeup. No one had ever taught me and I never asked. Honestly, I never really cared. I had it in my mind that makeup was evil and girls only used it to make themselves more desirable or trashy. Either way, I believed that makeup took away from their natural beauty and that they were all fake. I was all about being oh nat-tu-ral. Plus, guys like it better when you didn't spend an hour or two in the bathroom getting ready. Especially the one I was dating in my early twenties. He liked that I would just throw my hair back and off we went. 

About 7 years ago, maybe a little longer, my ex-mother-in-law had asked me why I really don't wear makeup. She was always wearing makeup when out and about etc. She was and more than likely is still a beautiful women. I just told her makeup wasn't my style and I didn't see the point of it. She said to me, give it about 5 years or so, you'll understand more. I just looked at her like, "what?" Sadly, I now understand what she was saying. For many people, when you get older, your skin gets more washed out and not so fresh and dewy looking like it once was. Something makeup could give you back. Though, with that new knowledge, I didn't turn to makeup, I still thought it was a hassle and just didn't care how I looked. Actually, now that I think of it. I never really cared how I looked. Well, I did but I didn't. I like to blend in with the world and not stand out. I felt makeup help stand me out. Don't ask, I don't know, LOL! Low self esteem plays a huge part of my life. Anyway, it would be several years later that makeup finally made an appearance in my life.

I guess it was going on three years since I had left my ex-husband. I never did that "I'm a new woman" makeover after I left him. I was sick and tired of my looks. I needed a change. Nothing drastic, just something different. Unsure how to accomplish it, I did what any modern age person would do. I turned to the internet for help. God bless the internet!

I was browsing YouTube and on their homepage I noticed a video of a makeup tutorial. Out of curiosity, I clicked it and watched the magic of makeup stream before my eyes. I was mesmerized. It was a video from Panacea81. I must have watched all her videos that day. I enjoyed watching her apply eye makeup and just hear her talk. She is someone I could see myself being friends with in real life. She's just a great overall person and happy she is blessed with such success.

Later on, I searched for more beauty tutorials. I only watched videos that got tons of views and had good quality. I know that shuts out a good majority of beauty gurus, but I was looking to learn. I then stumbled upon MakeupGeekTV and fell in love with Marlena. She is exactly what I was looking for. She had the makeup 101's to advance, spoke clearly and explained techniques well. Her wonderful personality was a great bonus too.

I soon found other YouTube beauty gurus to watch and follow, but it wasn't until recently I wanted to see and know more. After watching a Petrilude video of how he learned how to apply makeup, I went out and got books to read. I don't plan on going anywhere with my new found passion. I just want to learn to better myself. If it takes me elsewhere, I will do my best to nurture that flower and bloom. For right now, I am just going to keep practicing, because God knows I need to, and watching the pros create their magic with a sweep of a brush.

Have I transformed/ had a makeover yet? Not quite, but I am hoping to soon. When I do decide to have my makeover, it will be everything "Me." I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me. The makeover I want to do is to make me feel better about myself and go beyond where I haven't gone before. I just want to try something new for my new journeys ahead.

(This totally should have gone up as one of my first blog posts. I just never got around to it. Not only that, but things have slightly changed since I created this blog.)

Double Fail Monday

Screenshot of ABCNews.com/Entertainment

First fail: Shame on Ashley Judd's Makeup artist for using light reflective powder to set her under eye contour makeup. Just because it says HD powder on it doesn't make it photo ready. Tsk! Tsk!

Second Fail: Fail on whomever posted this on ABCNews site and thought that Ashley didn't rub in her face makeup. They clearly have no clue what they are talking about.

Hit or Miss: Part 1

I know in the past I would review products and write a blog on them. Sometimes, I would make the blog as wordy as possible to make it an actual post rather than me saying "I liked it" or "I hate it." I figured for some of the products that I have tried and haven't written a review yet, I would do a Hit or Miss list with them. That way it's easier for me and gives you more things to see other than random rambles by me, haha! :D

I originally was going to do this with just Health & Beauty products, but then I thought, "why stop there?" So, in the future, I may add other things in my "Hit or Miss" blogs. Oh yeah, I am hoping to do a "Hit or Miss" series. Probably should have mentioned that first. I need sleep. I have been up all night, then again, I work night shift so it's natural for me. Anyway......

Urban Decay Primer Potion in a bottle

Let me just say that I love Urban Decay Primer Potion. I use it daily. I hate the bottle. Everyone who uses this knows the bottle design was a complete fail and ends up slicing it open to get the remaining product out. The bottle design is the only reason why this is a miss.

Urban Decay Primer Potion Tube

Two thumbs up for Urban Decay. They recently started putting their wonderful product in a more accessible container.

Two Faced First Base

Since we are on shadow/ eye make up primers, this is Two Face First Base. Now, Two Face has a primer potion just like Urban Decay and more than likely the same formula, but I wanted to try something different so I picked this up. I should have really looked at the product before buying it. I think I actually bought it online from Sephora. I can't recall. Anyway, this is shimmer hell. I am not a fan of frosty or overly shimmery things. This is just that, over the top shimmer. So, not for me.

Benefit High Beam

Ok, I know I just said I am not a fan of frost and shimmer yet I list this and it's nothing but frost and shimmer. There is a reason. I love using this to add highlight to my cheekbones, brow bone, to illuminate lightly all over for a dewy look etc. This is not over the top. I am sure it could be if you way over used it, but this for me is the right amount of shimmer I need where I want it. I currently have this in sample form, but a little goes a long way. Once it's out, yo better believe that I will be repurchasing this "super model in a model."

Rimmell London Max Volume
Mascara

My lashes need every little help they can get. I was not blessed with "look at me eyelashes." I heard several YouTube beauty gurus rave about this product. I thought, "well, it's not gonna break the bank if I buy it." So I tried it. I loved it. It did what it promised and what the gurus had said. Why is it in the miss category then? Good question. See, the thing is, it's great for wearing in short durations or instances that don't call for rising temperatures. I wore this to work one night. I'm a nurse and I am up and down all the time. I would say 3 hours or less into the shift, I went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I noticed that my mascara was making itself known on place where it shouldn't have. After fixing that problem, I continued to work. By the time I got home, I think I about wore off the mascara on my face. I thought maybe I applied it too fast that night and tried it again the second night. Nope, same thing. I wanted to like it, but it lacks staying power.

Laura Mercier Caviar Eyeliner

I love, love, love this eyeliner. I use this the most out of all my eyeliners. It's well pigmented, it has the best staying power and stays put where it should. It's smuggable. It can be applied to be very clean looking. It can be messy. You name it, it can do it. I've been using this over a year. It lasts forever. I like the clean look this gives. I use my angled eyeliner brush from Sonia Kashuk, wet the brush, dip it in the product, and line my eyes. I cannot rave enough about this product.

Laura Mercier Camouflage Concealer

I have to admit, this is the only higher end concealer I have used and tried. The many concealers that I have used in the past were drugstore brands like Physicians Formula and one you will see next in this blog. I am not knocking PF, they are okay, but not great. Laura Mercier Camo on the other hand is great. It does exactly what it's suppose to....conceal. It even conceals the most stubborn spots and blends very well. I love the dual colors it offers. They work well together or separate.

Hard Candy Concealer Palette

I love that there are different color concealers in this palette. It makes it very versatile and easy to travel with. Sadly, this is nothing but a greasy, sheer pot of crap. Have you ever stuck your finger in shortening before? Well, this is what it felt like to me when I stuck my finger in it for the first time a couple weeks ago. Even though it felt greasy, I still gave it a try. When I applied it, it did nothing. How surprising. I knew something that greasy would be nothing but sheer. I read other reviews on it and people were saying you can build it up. What? Eeew! Why? Building up with this would cause nothing but creases. Ick. This is SO a miss for me.

L'Oreal Magic Smooth Souffle

When I first put this on it felt awesome. It just glided well all over my face. It is a light coverage foundation, but the color matched me well and felt like air on my skin. Then I looked into the mirror. I am plagued with dry skin. My T Zone is the damn Sierra Dessert. This stuff settles into my dry areas and looks like sand dunes on my dry skin. I wanted to love this, but my skin told me different.

CeraVe Face Cleanser and Lotion

I know the product looks so generic and unappealing, but my skin loves it. The facial cleanser helps reduce the redness/ rosacea on my cheeks and where ever redness decides to sneak up on me. It feels like lotion when applied and very gentle on my face. As for the lotion, it's gentle enough for my face and strong enough for my body. I love it. It gives just the right amount of moisture needed everywhere and doesn't feel like grease on my face or anywhere else. I've been using this well over a year and really can tell a difference in my skin, mainly my face. I have tried more expensive products and they never gave me the result this has.

Well, that's it for this round of "Hit or Miss." It's bed time for me. I hope you all enjoyed my reviews. Remember, everyone is different so not everyone is going to have the same effect. These are my opinions and mine alone. I am not affiliated with any companies mentioned. I bought everything with my own hard earn cash.

Have a great day y'all!

Blog Makeover

As you can see, I changed from the simple white background and added some color and design to the blog. Basically this is in hope of me trying to become more active here since I really have been ignoring it since I started. Also, I will be doing my very own self makeover soon. So, I thought, why not do one here too.

Come May, I am hoping to get a great hair cut, dye job and highlights. May not go too much all out. I will see though. I know I am wanting a change just to see how it looks. If all fails, it will fade in time and I can go back being same old boring me. I figure I will post ideas of hair cuts, colors, highlights etc here just to jot down ideas for myself and anyone else who is bored.

Well, besides the blog makeover and my self makeover, I have other things I am going to soon blog about. I am hoping to pick up those items over the weekend if I make it into the city. Grrrr.....hate living so far from civilization. Takes a little over an hour and a half to get to a Target or any other decent store for that matter. I thought when I lived in Virginia I was isolated. WTF was I thinking then? At least there I had several Wal-Marts, Targets and other stores to choose from. See, this is what you get for complaining, haha!

Anyway, hopefully this blog makeover will actually make me want to come here more often and finally get this thing off the ground somewhat. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Childhoods Becoming a Thing of the Past

What ever happened to the days of running around outside on a warm summer day without a care to the world? Whatever happened to playing with dolls? Playing dress up? Playing kickball with the neighborhood kids? Anything that symbolizes being a kid?  I loved my childhood. It's a freedom I will never have again but hope to see in my kids one day. These days parts of society are targeting kids as young as 7 or 8 years old to be teens or young adults. They are teaching our young that in order to be pretty you have to buy these certain things or look a certain way.

Wal-Mart currently released a cosmetic line aimed at the pre-tweens called GeoGirl. Yes, pre-tweens! For those that are unaware of that age group, they are about 8 years old. Not only are they cosmetics but it's claim is to help the reduction of aging? WTF?!?!?!? Seriously? They are 8 years old. Why do they need to worry about stuff like that? Yeah, I know it's great to start awareness at a young age to maintain what you have for your later years, but what the heck?! They are still growing and haven't even matured enough yet to worry about signs of aging. Dear goodness, what has this world become? This is not the worst of it.

How would you like your 7 or 8 year old running around in a bikini? Not really a problem to some people, right? Well, what if I told you these bikini's are like the ones adults wear? Minus the thong part, but it's not like they haven't crossed that line before, and with a padded top? Here, let me give you a better idea of what I am talking about.

This is a screen shot of Abercrombie and Fitch for kids Online

It's cute, right? But why would you want to put that on your child? A CHILD? Why do you want your 8 year old prancing around in a well padded skimpy bikini top at a public pool or beach? Are you trying to send her all the wrong signals? The world is crazy enough out there, why are you inviting it into your home?

For real people, if you don't see the damage this is doing to your child then I have little respect for you. I am sorry. Life is already hard enough with society telling people how we all should look. Why do you want to put that burden on an 8 year old? It's all in the parenting, right? Of course it is. I know it's up to the parents to teach their child from right and wrong, to instill values, etc. But how is teaching your child that physical beauty is where it's at any good? Things like this is what causes increase stress and anxiety in teens. Possibly increase suicides, increase depression. Why are we putting our children through this? Have we become that shallow of a community that we will even put out babies at risk? Parents, if you have a brains, please let your child be a child and leave the grown up stuff for us or at least when our children are more capable of making a good decision. The world is crazy enough as is, lets not add to it. These kids are our future.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I know my childhood were some of the best years of my life. I cherish them.